Despite all the righteous folk working on spreading the good word about cannabis, there are still quite a few out there who aren’t doing it any favors. Here are just a few of weed’s worst enemies:
Amanda “Reefer Madness” Bynes
I didn’t even know who Amanda Bynes was until she started falling off the deep end. (Sorry, honey, but Britney did it better.) Ms. Bynes has certainly had her ups and downs. I mean, who could forget that she locked herself in the toilet at a NYC cupcake shop? Or that she chucked her bong out a 36th-floor window?
Now that she’s supposedly clean and sober, fresh out of rehab, her mom has blamed it all on the weed. Obtaining much-needed sobriety and addressing emotional problems is no joke, but using cannabis as the ultimate scapegoat is just, well, so Jessie Spano caffeine-pill, freak-out weak.
Miley “Insane in the Brain” Cyrus
I’m too old to remember anything Hannah Montana. All I know is that my niece wanted one of her shitty backpacks they sold at Wal-Mart, and she came out of “Achy, Breaky Heart” Bill Ray’s loins. So I didn’t mind a bit when she started to chuck her Disney image by cutting her hair, going punky blond and doing some interesting stuff. We were all 19 once, right?
That said, Miley has crossed a line between “Smells Like Teen Spirit” rebellion and that fucking cray-cray bitch who thinks getting nearly naked with creepy 40-something photographers in hotel rooms is actually a good idea.
Maureen “One Toke Over the Line” Dowd
If you’re a woman of a certain age who’s spent any significant time in New York, you probably know and despise at least a dozen women like Maureen Dowd. Sure, she may seem cool on the surface, but after a few lunches with her, where she orders a salad and eats two bites, visits at her perfectly decorated all-white apartment and listening to her complain about how long the kitchen renovation is taking at her summer home in the Hamptons, you’d be glad to ditch her and head downtown for some drunken karaoke on 32nd St. and Ray’s Pizza anytime.
Well, recently Dowd took her chardonnay-loving self to Colorado to sample the local fare and weigh in on this newfangled craze the kids are talking about that is legalized weed. Her drug of choice? An edible. A caramel-chocolate flavored candy bar to be exact.
“For an hour, I felt nothing…But then I felt a scary shudder go through my body and brain. I barely made it from the desk to the bed, where I lay curled up in a hallucinatory state for the next eight hours. I was thirsty but couldn’t move to get water. Or even turn off the lights. I was panting and paranoid, sure that when the room-service waiter knocked and I didn’t answer, he’d call the police and have me arrested for being unable to handle my candy.
“I strained to remember where I was or even what I was wearing, touching my green corduroy jeans and staring at the exposed-brick wall. As my paranoia deepened, I became convinced that I had died and no one was telling me.”
All hail the edible overdose. It’s certainly amateur hour, and we’ve all been there, and that’s fine. What sucks about Dowd’s column is that her one-time approach and failure to use cannabis responsibly has the platform of the New York Times. What’s even worse is that she turned her one-time experience into that cliched “what will happen to the children?” tripe we’re used to hearing from politicians and right-wing news organizations.
Maureen, we expect better from you.
Marco “Bitch, Please” Rubio
It always shocks and amazes me who the Republicans dredge up from the backwoods or swamps to run for president. Marco Rubio, who is this guy? He’s a guy who’s apparently down on legalized weed, despite the state of Florida’s overwhelming public support for it.
Justin “Never Say Never” Bieber
If there was ever a poster child of what not to do with cannabis, let it be Justin Bieber. Long in need of a proper bitch slap, aka the way Tyrion lays it down for Joffrey on season one of Game of Thrones, the Biebs is simply out of control. And we’re not even going to get into the assault allegations or peeing in buckets or throwing eggs at his neighbor’s house. Here, a rundown of his most egregious offenses:
January 2014: A belligerent Bieber is arrested for drag racing in a yellow Lamborghini in Miami, admits to drinking and consuming prescription drugs and marijuana.
February 2014: The Biebs and friends, including his father (who makes Michael Lohan look like Father of the Year), harass and berate an entire staff aboard a private jet to the Super Bowl. The plane was so smoky, the pilots reportedly had to wear masks. “The captain also stated he needed to request that the passengers stop their harassing behavior toward the flight attendant and after several warnings asked the flight attendant to stay with him near the cockpit to avoid any further abuse,” read the New York Daily News report.
April 2014: The Bieber-siege continues. Check out this poor bastard who got stuck underneath the Biebs’ entourage in Miami.
And now, I leave you with this: https://www.youtube.com/embed/qYNeT2nzEgA
Who else is doing it wrong and giving cannabis a bad name? Let us know in the comments.