Ah, it’s summer. Time to release yourself from couch lock and those reruns of “Bones” on TNT. Go outside. Enjoy some sunshine. Get some exercise and fresh air.
No, we’re not suggesting anything crazy, like Tough Muddering, Spartan Racing or Alpha Warrioring your way into a horrible injury and your friends punching you in the face for endlessly discussing your Paleo diet. That’s stupid. So forget chasing that runner’s high. Get high and play these five games instead.
1. Bocce ball
If it’s good enough for old Italian men, it’s good enough for you.
Ah, the Italians. Their food. Their wine. Their seemingly endless lives of leisure, scooting about on Vespas, engaging in copious amounts of afternoon delight and day drinking. You know any lawn game championed by the Italians has got to be great for a good high. And no game would get us off the couch faster than bocce. It’s got just the right amount of skill factor to make it interesting and competitive (goddamn, it’s hard to get that big ball to perfectly bump up against the little ball), but you’re still able to hold a frosty beverage or tasty treat in the other hand while you play. The best accessory is whatever you’re wearing at the moment. I’m talking about channeling your inner Spicoli here: Bermuda shorts, straw hat, Van Halen T-shirt and Vans, something fizzy with an umbrella in it. Bellissimo.
2. Pool
You wouldn’t believe how hard it was to find a picture without Tom Cruise for this “Color of Money” shot. Fun fact: Newman won his first Oscar for Best Actor from this role.
A longtime favorite of drunks in bars, pool creates that elusive delusional dimension when you think that you are at the top of your game. The brief wrinkle in time for me is about halfway through my second drink, but well before I finish my third. It’s a sport that demands a Cool Hand Luke mentality (kudos, Paul Newman), but you can’t get all sloppy and idiotic to be really sharp at it. It’s the perfect opportunity to capitalize on your favorite sativa. You’ll be focused enough to nail that tricky bank shot, but laid back enough to get laid because you’ll look so cool doing it.
3. Bowling
An American classic all the way around, “The Big Lebowski.”
‘Cause, well, duh.
4. Swimming
Yes, this bulldog is surfing. But he’s sober and so cute!
Some people like to snowboard or surf while they’re stoned. These people are either gifted 19-year-olds who exhibit an extreme talent for sports that require a lot of coordination and balance, or idiots. If you’re not, say, Shaun White-gifted, perhaps you should take on the kinder, gentler version of sport that complements a hearty buzz: swimming. No, I’m not suggesting going out into the ocean, navigating gnarly rip tides or jumping into an Olympic pool for laps. But slipping into some nice, calm, warm water, especially on a hot summer night, really is paradise on earth. Don’t forget your swim buddies. Safety first.
5. Camping
Camping = serious business in Wes Anderson’s “Moonrise Kingdom.”
“Gee, Molly, camping is not a sport?” Really? So you think packing and unpacking hundreds of pounds of crap into a vehicle, anticipating and mapping out your game plan—the grocery store runs, the sport supply store runs, getting the National Parks permit in order, actually getting a decent camping spot, fighting the horrific traffic and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHO FORGOT THE FUCKING ICE—is not a sport? You are sadly mistaken.
To pull off a successful camping trip takes nothing short of exemplary planning, strategy, timing and execution, things integral to every sport on earth. And once you have that stupid Coleman assembled (bonus points if it was in the dark), a hearty campfire built (harder than it looks) and your butt seated it’s time to enjoy the spoils: a nice bag of classic Doritos (my favorite stoner treat of all time that I never allow myself to eat in real life) and a joint. Well played, weekend warrior. Well played.
What’s your favorite sport or game to play while stoned? Let us know below.
